| Something. |
[11 Mar 2002|02:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
Wow, it's been awhile since I posted last.
I still don't know what to say. I think that's
the reason why it's been so long..
Sorry to bore you. If you wanted something to do,
though, try picking up a KJV bible. It's really
not as hard to understand as they say; it's
really very beautiful writing. Just try and
understand it; it's beautiful.
I'll bet that sometime in your reading you'll
catch something that'll stick with you, that will
really get your attention. God really does care
about us all.
He really does love us all. Really.
It's amazing how personal and perfect a father He
is to me. He watches me, corrects me even when I
do wrong (That's how you really know someone
cares about you. God is so present and loves so
much that he knows how to perfectly correct me.
He shows me that He really does listen.)
God loves me. He's very much alive and He loves
me, and that proves that he loves all of you just
as much.
Believe me, this is wonderful. He is absoultely
wonderful.
He's strong enough for you. He'll listen to you.
He knew you before you will born and He'll always
remember you. He's alive; He lives and changes
things in this world today. Tomorrow. Twenty
years from now.
He'll be alive for your children and your
children's children. He'll be the One you can
tell them about with a tearful smile when they
ask you about the love of your life. He will
watch over every generation that proceeds from
you; He'll be there when they go through being
teenagers, bad grades, college, work, love. He'll
be with your great-grandchildren when they sit
surrounded by their great-grandchildren and say,
"Let me tell you all about God."
He'll see the tears in their eyes. He'll feel
their chests bursting with hapiness. He'll listen
to the whole story with the children. He'll be
there to watch them grow up and grow older, only
to repeat the whole cycle.
He'll love us all back, much more than we could
ever love Him in return, even when our love for
Him is more than we can take.
He's perfect. He always will be..
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| Liar! |
[09 Sep 2001|01:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
I did several things I promised myself I wouldn't do again today...
I think I've figured out this whole thing, here. I mean, there's no other good reason why I should keep trying to go back to all the stuff. Games are just not worth it..
..and I discover that I'm not really that into games at all, just into the sensation that I imagine could come from it. The bitter irony is that I've never gotten that from anything.. yet, here I sit, credit card ready to charge games I can't afford for a system I don't have.
I'm in a place right now where I'm working almost to be able to get to work. I can contribute a tithe.. and that's all the money I seem to have. I don't really have any extra. Like, I can always meet my needs (if I don't spend the money somewhere else) but I don't have room to buy things to, like, develop an interest. Hobby or something.
So what is that? It's unimportant, isn't it? I mean, all my 'hobbies' have ever done is distract me..
So the only conflict going right now is the desire to find what I want in things I can't afford (but think hold worth) warring with what I know is right but find so hard to accept.
It's not like doublethink, really it's not. Doublethink didn't work. I used to use it all the time; it's different than this. It's just totally opposite/different.
There is a world of difference between willful surrender and.. and.
Maybe that's it. I mean, of course; why not? The right answer hidden exactly where everyone else tells you the wrong one lies. When it all comes right down to it, though, you can't really rely on everyone else.. you just have to trust what the Bible itself says, the direct word of God. What other standard should we use?
Opinion changes like every day..
So, what does the Bible say?
(The one answer I stop myself from finding every single day.)
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| ... |
[08 Sep 2001|01:43am] |
|
Wow, that's sad.
|
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| Fight to live! Live to fight! (BS) |
[08 Sep 2001|01:42am] |
|
Tonight, we're alone, and the music is right, tonight!
Do ya feel good, do ya feel alright, tonight!?
I'm out on the streets tonight,
I'm with a few friends, so it feels alright,
Shoutin' out loud to the song doesn't do it,
It doesn't sink in, so I say "Screw it!"
Same old places I must be dreaming about
Is there anything left to fight about?
Fight to live, it's the only fight
I got left in me!
FIGHT! FIGHT! (3x)
Well, I've never been the same since that first show,
I closed my eyes and let myself go
Through this, I'm never alone or scared,
Somehow, I found a reason to care..
I get so lost in it.. I get so lost in it..
I get so lost in it.. I GET SO LOST IN IT!
Fight to live! Live to fight! (2x)
Tonight, we're alone, and the music is right, tonight!
Do ya feel good, do ya feel alright, tonight?! (2x)
I'm on the train and I've got my bones
People all around, but I'm good all alone
I won't worry what I need to be,
Wherever I am, that's the place to be..
GO! GO! (4x)
Tonight, we're alone, and the music is right, tonight!
Do ya feel good, do ya feel alright, tonight!
Tonight we're alone and the music is right, tonight!
Do ya feel good, do ya feel alright, tonight!
We feel good, we feel alright, tonight!
See, I'm cycling down into that depressive funk that no one likes again. I think I understand maybe why Brad loves punk. He seems like such a deep, emotional, true, intelligent person. I always just thought punk was a game of some kind.. it was always so happy.. and it seems like every band just has amazing musical skill.. but I never thought that one day when I was depressed it would help and hurt at the same time.
Punk kind of pictures this Happy Youth World (and all true punkers would kick the shit out of me for saying all of this.. "poser.") to me. So when I feel dead, like I'm dying for no good reason.. it feels like the good world really does exist and I just have to uncover it.. or I have to change what I think to take advantage. It still seems so out of reach, though.. so it makes me see myself as even more hopelessly alone, completely out of reach, sitting in a quiet bedroom listening to the songs in headphones, tears streaming down, in love with the true scene but never, NEVER a part.
There has to be a lot of people like that. But when we talk to each other, since we know we're posers, we're quick to throw up this front that we've learned must be in place (have to have strategic defense) and we just keep ourselves so distant. How stupid.
To be so alone and keep yourself so distant on PURPOSE.
Yeah.
Tonight, we're alone and the music is right, tonight.. that song is back on my playlist rotation. I'm not into punk. It's one of the only punk songs on my drive that isn't my brother's. Can you smell the poser yet?
Now it's time for someone truly intelligent (and with a real interest in punk) to step in and remind me that I'm stupid. "Sure, you can use punk to just get depressed, but it would be a really, really stupid thing to do. Don't shovel all of your little insecurities and woes onto something as pure and great as punk, you fucking poser. Leave us the fuck alone."
Never let them see you cry.. yes, right there. That's it. That slow burn of sadness. That's what I keep on with.. that first hard hit of faux-depression that comes from a single typecast and typical teenage goth-woes idiot depressive sentence.
Oh, I feel the urge to explode. I want to blow up in your faces. I want to destroy everything that says that I'm not worth it, everything that tells me I'm not enough. I want to kill all the people that I think have ever opressed me. I want to maybe just fucking slap everyone who knew that I was just a sad little poser, that I would never amount to anything.. never find the true scene.
You know what? I like the music. I like it. I'm not a poser; fuck you. Just because I'm not part of your little group of friends.. you don't fucking own punk music. It's not yours any more than it'll ever be mine, and picking you to follow is just as pathetic as it was trying to buy Levi's and Nikes all the time to fit in with the sports-richie-prep crowd. It just looks a little different; that's all.
The only thing that doesn't feel good about this is that I know exactly what you're thinking about me. You've got that small pity in your eyes; you know that I'm just outside, just outside of the whole thing, and that I don't (and that I'll never) understand. I don't understand you, music, the way of life, other people, anything.
You were that way once, too. It's not too late to go back; just move outside of your comfort zone, away from your group of friends. Stay, live somewhere else for about a year, somewhere you can't find anyone who enjoys it like you do. Somewhere where maybe all there are are posers. Develop an interest somewhere else to fit in (and, trust me, after a fucking year, you will. You'll find classic literature, computers, something so you can at least fucking talk to girls.)
No, forget this. I'm sick of it. I don't want to fucking hurt you at all, you piece of shit. I'm just so motherfucking TIRED of being..
yeah. of being everything. myself. poser. Of wanting this so badly. Wanting to fit in, to be that punk kid, rather than just the quiet one that wore the same big pants two-three days in a row to school so he could only wear JnCo's, who wore band shirts for bands he didn't own the CDs for, who painted his fingernails for even negative attention, who fell so far out of the loop that no one knows right now where he is or what he's doing or if he has any plans and no one cares enough to ask (or maybe I'm wrong and they're just afraid. I'd be a little afraid.)
Oh, forget all of this. I don't have to fight this losing battle anymore, no matter how long I used to. I don't have to return to any of this.. because of God.
Wow. What a thing to be thankful for! To not have to fight the loser's battle, to not have to be eternally outside.. Through God, I've found out how to make real friends. (The secret is to never be scared of people.)
This is probably my first real journal entry; I don't care if you don't get it or not.. :D
If you do, if you've read them all, thank you. If you understand, thank you.
Don't ever give up.
(Heh.. come a long way in this one.)
I'm out. I don't know where I'm going from here..
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| Stupid.. |
[31 Aug 2001|05:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
I am completely computer illiterate.
I talk all the smack about wanting a tech-related job, about how good I would be at it, and the reality is that I would be perfect for such a corporate position because I know very, very little about the inner workings of these mysterious beasts.
Example:
"Why can't my Pentium II 233 with 176 MB of RAM run demos recommended to run on a 486?"
This program requires at least 570 000 bytes of conventional memory to run.
"But I have over 300 times that free, easy! This is DOS, for crying out loud, not Windows with 30% resources free!"
Program too big to fit into conventional memory.
I am so completely stupid...
(By the way, the kind of demos I'm talking about are little-known early PC demos; a bit like music videos, usually in 3d. The most striking thing about demos (try www.hornet.org for a link to a document explaining the whole thing) is that they are NOT animations; they are realtime rendered 3D graphics usually accompanied by a song. When you compare this to the typical frame rate of a DivX AVI, it starts getting crazy up in yo' head.)
Demo, demo, demo.. man, I wish I knew enough.
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| zzzzzzZZZzzzzz.... |
[30 Aug 2001|04:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
..I'm.. so tired.. my mouth is.. kinda slack-jawing..
..and my eyes are like,....
...
..ugh.. oh, they're.. half-open.
Yeah..
..man, oh, man.. I'm going to bed right now. I've been up since ten something last night and it's almost five now, and it's SOO time to go to bed. I even did myself the disservice of filling up on milk beforehand.. and trying to concentrate on some stupid brainy game.. BLARGH. Poo.
BED bed bed B E D bedbed bedbedbed.
To steal someone's line, something I enjoy doing all too often:
"(thank you and goodnight)"
(It's from pixxxie or SilverStarShine or whatever she's calling herself.. pixxxie.ubiquitous.nu)
oh, goodnight, li'l LiveJournalers.
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| Final Fantasy. |
[25 Aug 2001|12:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
Okay, I can't really find an ezboard (sleep for work) to post this all to, so it's going to have to be LiveJournal. I'd get just about as many readers anyway. SuX.
I am just sick to death..
That's pretty basically it.
I used to be a huge fan of the whole RPG genre. I started out with Final Fantasy (one) and Dragon Warrior on the trusty NES.. and no, I'm not 30, I'm not a 'diehard old-skool gamer' who hates FMV, and I'm not all about sprite-based games (though they just GET PRETTIER than 3d). I just happened to start out with the first ones.
I remember reading about Final Fantasy II in Nintendo Power, and criminey, I wanted it, but I didn't have a Super NES then. I didn't end up getting one for years later, and never owned the game that would be my favorite (though unfinished, of course) final fantasy.
Then, my friend gave me Illusion of Gaia and FF3 to play. I played FF for five minutes or so before putting it down; I just wasn't interested. (Incidentally, to this day I have not fiinished a single Final Fantasy, though I've played all but 9.) I beat Illusion of Gaia in a week or so at the typical hour-or-two-a-day school kid pace. I didn't start playing FF again until this guy lent me the strategy guide..
The guide, though I couldn't really see it at the time, lent such a dimension of story to the game. It wasn't a walkthrough, and it was a far, far cry from the pitiful 'official' guides that flood the market for Square games nowadays. The author, an editor or something for Gamepro, just spent five or six months with the game. Just did. Just sat down, playing and replaying, taking notes, for six months straight..and the guide to the game was like the missing story document that made it close to complete.
That's my entire point with this. Entire.
I played FF7 through.. I played FF6 until the last dungeon (you have no idea how TEDIOUS it is to try and teach ten or so characters the Ultima spell from a SINGLE esper with a 1% learn rate. They don't MAKE monsters that award enough magic points.)
I always played games for the story, and I'm sorry to say it, but the people behind the Final Fantasy series just are NOT good storytellers.
It translates out to less-than-good games. I've heard many a person agree with me here; playing the game stops being fun and starts being a chore. You want to move the story along, but you can't; there are too many random encounters (which I think is completely rediculous by now), another storyless, unimportant dungeon to visit.. it just stops being fun to play, period. And that has been my single biggest inhibition to finishing one of them. I just cannot make myself sit through the stupid game long enough to get any more story out of it.
I think it sucks, really. I want to like Final Fantasys. I want to be a hopelessly devoted fanboy; I want to eat, sleep and breathe it because I want to find the best storytelling in it.
And I just can't.
All of this was shoved rather rudely in my face today when I saw Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and, true to the nature of the games, had great graphics, some neat ideas about a futuristic (okay, 7 & 8) world, some good music.. but just no story. I've seen it over and over again. There seems at first like there might be a story there, hidden behind the character exposition, and they just want you to dig to find it; "Ooh, " you unconsciously exclaim, "they're going to reward my efforts with a really good story, then." So you keep digging. Character interaction. Monster. Characters. Monster. Oop, main chick character gets kidnapped. "Story?" Naw, just rescue her from a miniboss only very vaguely related to the evil force you're mainly fighting, and it's back to characters again. Character. Character. Get the item to save character. Random battles punctuating the fetch-quest like far too many commas in a single, droning sentence. Return to town. Mayor: "Oh, we could go to such and such a town, I hear they're having problems. Oh yeah, I'm joining you, and we're saving my daughter, another character."
And the repetition just drones quietly away like a sad, small, irrelevant professor in a forgotten room of inanimate students.
I'm sorry, I just can't do it any more. I just can't play the game anymore. If this is the best, the absolute best that gaming itself has to offer (and several would say that it is), then it's just really not worth it.
I can already feel the new Final Fantasy playing out, for Pete's sake. Can you smell the character interaction yet?
Join our new she-male as you at first think he joins random people from small towns to fight a mysterious force known as Sin, when he actually ends up realizing that the battle itself--and all the potential he needs to win it-- are buried deep within himself.
Is no one tired of that yet? "It's buried deep within yourself!" Does ANYONE ELSE see how ignorantly cliche that has become? Don't worry, Colnel; you can stop the nuclear launch not because you have the training procedures, not because there might just be some awesome eternal Force guiding your actions and watching over His children, but because you 'have it in you'. It's like every game, children's book (or adult's book) and movie that comes out now got all its inspiring concepts from bad westerns.
"I know you have it in you."
Never mind that the Bible is chapter after chapter of the absolute best storytelling I'll ever see. It. Just. Does. Not. Make. Any. Sense. Anymore. To. Look. Anywhere. Else.
I'm. This. Sick. Of. It.
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| Okay.. what? |
[01 Aug 2001|05:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 listless |
] |
"I see a window and I want to paint it black.."
Even that song is a lie. Just listen to the full lyrics.. it sounds all angsty and deep and it's just typical rolling stones BS.
See, that's one thing I'm so tired of.. the lies. Like, for example, the almost constat lie presented by almost all of popular media that romantic love is the only thing worth living for.
Yes. No, it's not true. It's just not.
I've been through this kind of thing before. I can see pretty clearly most of the time how romantic love (and the search for it) is an incredible distracting agent in life.. it's amazing how much time some people (known as "girlfrienders" now) will waste so much time (like all their high-school lives.. ech.) with people they otherwise don't actually need.
It's possible to get so desperate that you take the worthless relationship you have and just keep trying to see 'true love' in it over and over again. (I can make 'em last for years.)
The whole thing is almost as rediculous as the "family is the point of existence" idea.
"That's not what Christmas is about! It's about... FAMILY!"
Family, give us this day our daily bread, and avenge our enemies with thy almighty hand..
Behold, I am the Family, maker of heaven and earth.
See what I'm talking about?
Oh, but this viewpoint isn't very comfortable at all, is it? I mean, just wait.. in a few seconds, he's going to start talking about God.
And that's the entire point of my arguement. (Now comes the spelling-out.) It is rediculous, in light of the staggering amount of evidence suggesting the existence of not just any god but Jehovah Jiret, the Holy One of Israel, to even play that there is any worth to be found in the family.
Love, sure. But not that kind of love. REAL love. A marriage relationship, I think, is not the freest way to express real love. Real love can be given to strangers. To your family. Your bretheren, so-to-speak.
So, fine, seek love. Seek to be loving and caring; seek generosity, humility (for I'm sure pride makes expressing real love nigh impossible), seek not to exalt yourself, but the exaltation of others. But remember that not even this is the point of life.
Point of life, the real one, is in fact Jesus Christ.
You know what? I'm not sorry. It is. There is no salvation outside of Him, for He is God/the only begotten Son of God. God Himself was in Christ, reconciling the world unto Himself. Sound weird? Ever hear anything like that before? I hadn't, when I first got into it.
It's amazing the things that are kept from us.
Kept.
Just read. Just find it for yourself. Go pick up a Bible; it doesn't sting, I promise. People who really love you, who really understand the world, WILL PROBABLY NOT think the LEAST bit less of you. (Even if they do, Jesus Himself has said (look it up), "Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life." (from Mark 10:29-30)
Oh, now it's complete, isn't it? Now it's just like everything else you've ever seen. Even quoting Scripture at you, aren't I?
Are you deep enough, cool enough, to see it? Or are you as shallow as everyone else?
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| Still confused? |
[30 Jul 2001|10:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
Okay.. then. I still don't understand what's happening. A good dose of infoglut today. I lost myself in a Christian mud for about four or five hours; it's not a finished mud, though, so it's not actually Christian. Still plenty of half-elves and spellcasters, an odd reference to "north Midgaard" at times.. heh. Oh, what good things could happen; how cool it could be, set in a real Christian historical setting!
You see, I don't much care what you think. Most of the world has been taught to look on Christianity and the things we make for it with disdain and disgust, many times (as in ALWAYS) without ever truly exploring the options presented. We think a band rocks until we learn it's Christian (or until we inexplicably hear the words God or Jesus), then we learn that it's 'lame.' This is one of the sadder tragedies of this world; there is underground Christian (and, even more surprising and wonderful, MAINSTREAM Christian) music out there that YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE. Skillet is everything Orgy never achieved; they are industrial electronic and metal and VERY good at what they do. Beanbag is what I was looking for and never came close to finding when I forced myself to listen to Deftones, Tool, NIN, Static-X, Slipknot.. absolutely amazing music that I can not only stand (I've had a grudge against real, fast metal since before Fear Factory) but that I want to listen to so badly..
Maybe it's just this new outlook, but I can't help noticing how sadly empty everything looks now. Hundreds and hundreds of songs about nothing; a hundred new bands a year with no fame to speak of besides a guest spot on TRL, that hit song that lasted for all of June before airplay got cut, and nothing to show for it for years afterward. "I was in a band. Maybe you heard of us? We got played on MTV." Now karaoke gets played on MTV; they're still trying to berate us into believing that it belongs there.
(Something: Karaoke is a fun activity to do in your bedroom when you're twelve, or when a group of friends goes clubbing in Southeast Missouri. When you can't see to walk (or you think you're having fun), you tend to ignore most of karaoke's heavy, ugly, blunt, unprofessional edges. There is a huge difference between enjoying your friend's singing drunk and in person, and watching some poor ignorant do it thousands of miles away at 4/3 central when you're sober. Dig?)
That's right, liar. Like you've ever been drunk with a group of friends or seen karaoke in person.
Sorry, I just became irrelevant. ()
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| The First |
[28 Jul 2001|08:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exanimate |
] |
I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I mean, what? Look at me.
Breaking a fast twice in two days. Over and over? Trying to pray the 30 min (sic) every day; waking up at 1pm at the latest. I can't even handle that. Oh, but the communion I've felt with God lately. (from God?) Did I just screw it up today?
I've felt that all day. An accusation heavy..
So, what am I good for? What use am I? Will I be late for work now? Is it my own stupid fault for turning the computer on?
Stupid. Suffered myself to return to zMud, like an idiot. Only the truly misinformed would be able to call these events unrelated.
I'm sorry.
Goodnight. Sleep easy, and try to find God.
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